| Monday, July 17, 2006 |
| On Peace and Fruits |
On the morning of September 23, 2005, I awoke to the sound of roadwork outside my window. A new coating of asphalt was being placed over existing asphalt that was in generally good condition and warranted no repair. However, in an end-of-budget-year push, the city was quickly laying down blacktop and replacing pipe that really didn't need it. The reasoning was (however faulty) that if the city let those budgeted funds go unused, their subsequent budgets would be garnered accordingly, and it was possible that, as a result, they might run out of funds early in some future budget period. So, they brought in the dump trucks, tar sprayers and the steamrollers.
I wondered, "Is all this really necessary?" There are some things we do in life that seem to come of ether rather than of necessity. Budgets for example, and fruits for another.
I like a tall glass of orange juice as much as the next guy. In fact at one point, I drank more than 1 litre per day (it was about 50 cents/litre in Switzerland). But there comes a point in every man's life when he has to stand up and say: "I may like orange juice, but that doesn't mean I have to like oranges."
After all, we have chicken, ribs, steak, pork chops, bacon, sausage, salmon, halibut, sushi, french dip, noodles and all sorts of bread (toast, rolls, frenchbread, sourdough, cinamonrolls, bagels, muffins, crackers, brochette, carrotbread, Wonder... and possibly even "maize," which I suspect is some type of bread). Plenty of stuff to eat. Do we really need more?
I say we do not. Especially not fruits. They are acidic and hard to pick. Wars have been fought over them (see the Pineapple War of 1812, the Kiwi Plague of the 1430's, and more recently the Treaty of Grape which resulted in the infamous Grapefruit Massacre. Some also believe JFK was shot with a "salad shooter." Said salad reportedly contained Mandarin oranges and some type of nut assortment.) If all that weren't enough, fruits can have worms or other vestibules of horror embedded in them. Worst of all- they have an unpleasant texture. Ask anyone: which would you rather feel on your cheek- the texture of cotton candy, or the texture of the outside of a pineapple?
So with this, we establish The Coalition Against Fruits and Several Vegetables. Our goal is to eventually stop all consumption of fruits (and any vegetables that seem like they should be classified as fruits), and also celery.
We'll start with America and over the next few months, as we experience success at home, move the campaign abroad. We invite all to join our ranks in crying out "We love the juice, but we disdain the fruit." For just as if we didn't have budgets- we might use money more wisely, if we didn't have fruits- we might have peace on Earth. |
posted by Brett Crockett @ 6:00 AM   |
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| 1 Comments: |
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Boooooooooooo. Without fruits, we wouldn't have Jolly Ranchers, Starburst, Chewy Spree, Red Vines, or Grater's black raspberry chip (http://www.graters.com/flavor_info.cfm?fid=11#). I say get rid of the vegetables (except potatos), and keep all the fruits except those from the melon group--I hate cantalope flavored Jolly Ranchers.
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Boooooooooooo. Without fruits, we wouldn't have Jolly Ranchers, Starburst, Chewy Spree, Red Vines, or Grater's black raspberry chip (http://www.graters.com/flavor_info.cfm?fid=11#). I say get rid of the vegetables (except potatos), and keep all the fruits except those from the melon group--I hate cantalope flavored Jolly Ranchers.